My phone.

Telephones are a funny invention. They were build so people wouldn’t have to write all the time anymore or would have to travel just to talk to each other. They were build to make lives easier. Lately I came to realize that phones do not only do that. Nowadays you can write texts, read your emails, update your fb status and upload pictures in a matter of seconds, all with a handy little device.

When I reached for my phone last Friday afternoon after work, I clicked on the email button and smiled as my phone downloaded the emails from that afternoon. An email from my dad AND my mom. I immediately opened my mom’s first, since she usually writes more and it takes longer to read through everything but not this time. Only a few sentences about my grandma’s health. No good news. So I opened my dad’s email, hoping for better news, since he is the one who always has something positive to say, but not this time and immediately did I collapse on the inside.

He too did not have any better news than my mom did. I found myself in at a grocery’s, not knowing, what I was doing, or why I was in the store, all I felt was an emptiness and loneliness. Somehow I managed to grab the few things that I needed for A’s birthday cake and ran out of the store. It was cold out and my tears instantly froze on my cheeks.

When I got home, I called my brother, and I wanted to talk but all I could do is sob. I had nothing worth while to say, so I just sighed and told him I would call him back later, which I never did. Instead I called my dad and he said, that the doctor’s gave my grandma only a few more days. That if she does survive Monday, it would be a miracle. He said, that she is in much pain and that without any painkillers, she can’t even move. He said that most of the day she sleeps and that my grandpa is by her side, watching her, not knowing what to do. The doctors told my grandpa he could take my grandma home with him but he said, that at the hospital she at least would be painless, he can’t give her that at home and he doesn’t want her to suffer. So he stayed at the hospital. My parents, my brothers, my uncles, my aunts, my cousins, my niece and my nephew, all of them got to say their goodbyes, one after another.

All day Saturday I kept starring at my phone, hoping for good news, or no news, no news are good news, because they mean, nothing changed and that is positive, at least in my head it sounded like it made sense. I starred at my phone all day and all night. Eventually I fell asleep and woke up around 9 am on A’s birthday. I tried my best not to obsess about my phone, or any new messages, to be honest I hoped for no messages, no phone calls. To me it meant, the world was still okay. I kept reminding myself how my grandma proofed the whole world wrong, when they told her, that she only had little time left and I believed this time was just like the other time(s). I believed that she would snap out of it, that she would be alright. I believed my dad would call me any minute and tell me, that everything was better and that she will get released soon from the hospital.

Somehow I pushed all these thoughts aside that Sunday, I thought about A and his birthday, we enjoyed his birthday cake and some birthday food (bfast, lunch, dinner, snacks…) and then we sat down to play some cards together. A was awaiting a phone call from someone who was supposed to deliver us some firewood for the stove, so when the phone rang, I didn’t think about something bad. And then I looked at the screen, the blinking, the little android face popping up with a number I know too well, I saw the phone vibrating, I heard the ringtone annoyingly playing the same tune over and over again and then I picked up.

My dad tried to stay strong but I know what he had to say was no good news. He wouldn’t call if he had good news, I knew that. He took a deep breath, he said he was very sorry, that he couldn’t call with better news, he said that everything will be alright, that they will keep me informed, he said not to stress about the arrangements, not to worry about the flights, he said to stay strong. A long pause… and then he said the words I never thought I would ever hear:

Your grandma died.

This is for my grandma, who is greatly loved and missed:

Thank you for countless hours of talking to me, thank you for always taking care of me, thank you for saving me, when I thought I did not need it. Thank you for helping me picking up the messes I made, thank you for always taking the time and putting it together with me. Thank you for countless dinners you made, thank you for letting me learn from you. Thank you for showing me your love, when I thought I did not need it and thank you for your laughter. Thank you for laughing at my silly jokes and thank you for not laughing when I was serious. Thank you for being there for me at all my birthdays, thank you for keeping all my secrets. Thank you for always holding my hand and thank you for your respect. Thank you for being so proud of me, when there was nothing to be proud of and thank you for always putting me straight. Thank you for always forgiving me and thank you for always giving me a second chance to correct my mistakes. Thank you for clarifying things and thank you for teaching me. Thank you for all the long conversations we had, thank you for midnight talks we had, thank you for your hugs, your love and devotion. Thank you for a million things and thank you for one simple thing. Thank you for all the kisses, all the soft touches, all the happiness in the world. Thank you for taking such good care of us – me, my dad, my mom, my brothers, my niece, my uncles, my aunts, my cousins and my love. Thank you for all the mistakes you made and thank you even more for the ones you let me make. Thank you for being there for me, when I needed you the most and thank you for letting me be there for you, when you needed me. Thank you for showing me why we are all here.

I love you, Omi. I do, with all my heart and soul and I miss you greatly and deeply, every single waking minute. I know you are still with me, I know you are still here, I can feel you. I know you are save now and that all your pain is gone, I know you are taken care of and that you are not alone. You will not ever be alone, you have no fear in you anymore and neither do I, because I know you are save, I know you are better now, I know you are painless, carefree. I know you are happy now and I know you can run, as fast as you can, and jump and feel like you are flying, I know you can eat the most delicious foods and taste them with an intensity you long missed. I know you can eat as much as you want and not feel a single pain in your body. I know that for sure, I can feel your happiness, I know it does not make any sense, but some things you just know.

I am glad I got to say that I love you before you died and that I got to hug you and laugh with you and I know that you kept that with you through all the dark places you went. I am sure, you knew that I, that we all love you for who you are and who you let us be.

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