What if…?

4 and a half months, that’s how long it has been since I saw A last in August of 2009. December ever so slowly has finally crawled upon us and I was confused, excited, thrilled, scared and just all over the place. This would also be the first time for my parents to meet A. But that’s a different story.

Saturday morning, my dad took me to the train station and I was on my way to Salzburg. A was arriving in Munich that morning, taking the train to Salzburg. I was supposed to meet him at the train station. So I took the earliest train I could catch, made my way to our hotel and anxiously waited for him to arrive.

I called all my friends and they were kind enough not to hang up on me, since I wasn’t really capable of completing one sentence without saying, ‘A is almost here’. I was anxiously waiting, changing outfits, hoping A didn’t change his mind and never took of from Philadelphia. I was an emotional wrack. My emotions were ambivalent, let’s face it, we haven’t seen each other for almost 5 months, people change, we changed, what if he suddenly realized that I wasn’t the one anymore? What if we moved into different directions? There is only so much you can talk about over skype, only so much you can see of the other person, only so much you can handle. THIS was a big step for the both of us.

Around 5ish I stood on the platform watching out for A. I noticed all the people getting of the train, how happy they looked, because they were home. I saw kids running towards their parents or grandparents, telling them all about their last days of school. I saw happy couples reuniting, being surprised with flowers and chocolates and I was happy for them… but A was nowhere to be seen. My heart sank a little, what if, there were complications, and he wasn’t allowed to enter the country? What if, he was stuck in Munich with no way to get ahold of me, what if? What if all the people around us were right, when they said, we were only fooling ourselves, trying to make this relationship work?  What if…

I decided to wait for the next train from Munich, hoping, he would be on that one and if he wasn’t on that one, I would wait and wait and wait and maybe he would show up… eventually.

I tried to distract myself with the most ridiculous things, I would ride the escalator in the train station about 4times, up and down, up and down and when people gave me suspicious looks, I changed to the elevator. I stopped at the newsstand, inspecting the news of the day but not really reading anything. I did all of that and yet, only 10 minutes passed.

Eventually it turned 6 pm and I – again – stood on the platform, watching people passing, watching kids running inside, watching couples reuniting, envying them for their luck, to see each other already, I envied them so much, I didn’t even realize the tall handsome man standing in front of me.

He stood there, with his suitcase and his laptop bag, smiling at me and once I realized that he was standing in front of me, I started to cry. Tears of happiness, that is. He hugged me so tight, as if he hadn’t hugged me for months (go figure) and he kissed me and all I could think about, was that now, finally he was here and now, there were other people envying us for what we were having, the moment, when everything around you goes numb, dark, bright, magical. It’s kind of like an out-of-your-body-experience.

Once the excitement settled down, I realized something very important, the first real lesson of our relationship: After our very first time being apart, A was still with me and I was still with A and nothing had changed, he was still my hero, my number one, my rock and he will always be.  I would love to say, that it has gotten easier to say goodbye after this valuable realization, but it hasn’t, if anything, it became worse, but see, one thing did become better: I didn’t have to ask myself anymore, ‘what if…

I knew that with A, I wouldn’t have to ask that question ever again, because when you do love someone and they love you back, it becomes quite clear that your wildest dreams and imaginations do come true. There was no doubt in my mind anymore, that A was indeed the one for me, for better or worse, even if he was an hour late…

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