The new year is just two weeks old and I can honestly say: WOW. What the h… did I do that for? And why? For instance, only this week I did some pretty stupid things, and when I think about it, I do wonder: WHY? I really did – do the stupid things, I mean and wonder about the why. I honestly have no idea how I made it through the week without a ‘stupid’ sign pinned to my back, in all sincerity I do truly deserve it.
Just today I went for a 30 minute run with negative 16 degrees outside. Not only was that really really really dumb (can’t stress that enough), and I was, by doing so, jeopardizing my health (you are not supposed to run, when it’s colder than negative 10 degrees Celcius out) but I also ran with a leg-injury. It hasn’t giving me any troubles the last couple days, so I figured I was all good again. Which I obviously wasn’t and if I would have thought about going for a run twice, I would have probably prevented myself from injuring myself even further but I was aching for a good and exhausting run. I could have just turned around after a couple minutes, admitting to myself that I wasn’t alright but I didn’t care about it, I just wanted to run. That’s what we do, we don’t care, act on impulse and do stupid things. I am fully aware of my stupid actions, I am not proud of them, it’s just part of what humans do: making all the wrong decisions for the right reasons and vice versa.
Last Monday I was trying to cook dinner for myself. A is traveling in the US so I am on my own, as far as cooking goes. And if you should know anything about me, you should know: I do not cook. I just can’t grasp the idea behind the preparation. I enjoy food and I enjoy cooking-shows and I enjoy watching others do what they do best and am equally impressed by their doing but me? No, I am not a cook. I was trying to slice a tomato, cut my finger and almost dropped the knife on my foot (meanwhile shrieking like a crazy person as if that would have helped at all), while trying to make a salad. Yes, you got it, when I invite you for dinner, by myself, I most likely ordered out.
Last Tuesday I had a short day at work and went home to go for a run. I already felt my leg twitching every now and then, but sometimes it’s best just to try it out and see how far you come. In retrospect not the best idea I ever had. I didn’t come far at all. After 45 minutes I had to slow myself down and almost called a cab to get home. That’s how much my leg hurt. Later that day I had to go my second job and literally made a 45 minute crawl out of a 10 minute walk. I should have stayed home that day, I really should have.
The following day I was so depressed from my pained leg and not being able to exercise, that I stuffed myself with chocolate and ice cream. Probably not the smartest idea, yes, most definitely not the best idea I ever had. At that point I was at work and I guess, I should mention that at work I have to wear a white shirt. I ended up with chocolate stains all over it.
The next day I decided, if I can’t exercise the way I want to, I can at least do some home-exercises. So I looked up some exercises on youtube and did those and ended up over-doing it, meaning, the next day I wasn’t even able to lift my arms over my head, nor was I able to stretch or do anything a normal person should be able to do. In my defense, when I did that workout, called a iron man-workout, I didn’t think it was that hard to do the exercises so I got really excited and pushed myself probably further than I should have.
That Friday I ended up on my sofa, curled up like a little depressed hamster, reading a really cute book. It really was an adorable book and it was interesting and engaging and I ended up reading from the moment that I got home until the moment I went to bed, meaning from about 6pm til 2am. It really was a good book with a surprising and twisting ending, leaving me scared and anxious all night, because I did NOT see that ending coming.
Which leads us to yesterday, Saturday. See, this week was pure insanity. Not only because A is not here but also because my best friend is coming to visit me tomorrow and I am excited and anxious and happy and sad and exhausted and can’t run and so many other things, it’s just ridic. But see, yesterday, at work, I was reading the news and I went through the ‘wanted’ section. And there I saw it, the cutest puppy I have ever seen. Big brown eyes that were calling out to me. I knew that second, I had to have him, he was just gorgeous and sweet looking and I was just crazy. So I texted the owner and to be honest, I am still not sure if I am relieved or offended by what happened next. But I am skipping ahead, I emailed A and told him about the puppy and I send him pictures and there is no excuse for A’s response. He has been traveling through several time zones in less than a week, so understandably he was sleep deprived and tired when he responded but being supportive as always, he was all on board. He said I should contact the owner and should get the puppy. So I did, I texted the owner, yesterday around 4pm and then I waited. And waited. And waited.
I wasn’t just waiting around, I started reading about how to introduce your puppy to your home. How to potty train him, how and when to go for walks, how do this and how to do that and then I realized: I AM NOT FIT, to have a puppy. I am just not. Obviously if I would have gotten a puppy now, it’d be really unfair to the little fella to leave him home alone, being at work all day and not being able to care for him/her like s/he deserves it. I would have totally neglected my schoolwork and anything else that is important, just to fill the void that I am feeling right now. Well, I haven’t gotten a response from the owner and I am really happy about that, because if the owner would have responded, I probably would tell you know that I have a new puppy and how awesome it is to have a little fella to cuddle with. But to be honest, I just didn’t think it through.
I think sometimes we forget to think. We tend to overlook the obvious, we are caught up with the little things that we oversee the important things. See, love is funny, it shows up on your doorstep when you least expect it. It just knocks on your door even when you didn’t invite it and it stays there and it reminds you over and over and over again, that you are lucky being with the person you are with and when the person is gone, even when it’s on a business trip, it feels kinda weird. It really does. It feels like something is missing and in trying to recover from that, from the feeling, you do stupid things, things that you would never do when thinking about it twice.
I guess what I am trying to say is, that when you are with someone you care for and someone who cares for you and the person is not with you for some time, it’s best to not make any big decisions, have the order-out-menus close, hide all the knives before said person leaves, and don’t go outside, if you don’t absolutely have to. Or, you can just pick up the phone, call your significant other and tell them, that they mean the world to you and that without them, you would be lost, because that’s what it’s all about. Admitting to yourself, that you are acting stupid and that you are acting that way, because you miss the other person like crazy. Which, wordplay, makes you crazy, at least a little.