As Valentine’s approaches, I find myself wondering about love and life. Before I met A, my life was kinda… funny. Yes, I believe, funny is the right word to describe it. Like everyone encounters at least once in their lifetime, I too fell for the wrong person, believing that this person was THE one. If you have never known the difference, every wrong feels right. In fact I was so convinced of having found the right person (over and over again) it became a game. A game of not calling and calling, texting and not texting, facebooking, emailing, twittering, myspacing, making a date and not showing up, showing up without having made a date, casually approaching, acting cool and being heartbroken. And every breakup seemed like the end of the world. I think that sums it up pretty well.
Well, that is until the last person I went out with before I met A. We do the funniest things to get noticed and then we do even weirder things to become unnoticed, to leave without a trace. Disappear into thin air. Just let me back up here a little. I am not a religious person, but my friend is, so when she asked me what I was doing on Sunday, and I replied nothing, she asked me to come with her to church. I figured, it wouldn’t hurt. It was a modern church, high techy even, loudspeakers and monitors where ever you looked. Even when using the bathroom during mass, you could hear the booming voice of the preacher. Let me tell you, makes using the bathroom a wee bit uncomfortable, but that’s a different story.
But this is where I met him. The last ‘the one’ before the real THE ONE came along, if that makes any sense. We went on several dates and what started out as very casual became pretty seriously in a matter of days. I wasn’t comfortable with the speed we were going at all but I figured, what harm can it do. And thus began the three longest months of my life. Thankfully we lived about 45 minutes away from each other and he didn’t have a car. But that didn’t stop him from calling, constantly. He would be checking in on me, every 10 minutes or so. He would show up on my front door and just wait around, he would do the craziest things and I was just not receptive enough to understand what exactly was going on. I think in the beginning I liked the attention and I liked being ‘cared for’ but it became unbearable. I was miserable in the mornings, and even more miserable when he started calling me 10 minutes after I woke up. My mood would darken throughout the day and by 6 o’clock I laid in bed, wondering what I did to deserve feeling like this.
I started hating myself for being with someone that makes me want to hate myself. And that is the point, no one should ever be with someone that makes you hate yourself. You should never be with someone that does not appreciate who you are or cares enough for you to give you space. You should just simply be not with that person, if the person makes you unhappy. Here is the weird thing, he never abused me, we never got into an argument (I also never cared enough to actually have a conversation that was worth arguing about), we never fought and he did, what he thought was the best he could do. I think he genuinely believed that.
I guess the saddest part was, that I didn’t feel like I mattered anymore. I felt like I was disappearing, my belief that everyone of us played a role and that we all have to follow a certain path. All of my dreams, my goals, everything vanished and I allowed him to play that role. I allowed for a complete stranger to come into my life and mess with my head. I guess that’s how it sometimes works. We just invite people in, that never were supposed to be there in the first place. I felt so un-important. I felt like nothing I ever could do and say would matter in the least. And I hated feeling like that about myself. I was fading.
So one day, it was a Saturday, I got up early in the morning, I texted him to meet me at the mall and I drove the 45 minutes to finally undo, what was never supposed to be done in the first place. I parked my car with the intention to tell him, to never call me again, to never text me again, to forget that I ever existed. I had the whole conversation mapped out in my head and I told myself to stay strong, I convinced myself I could do it. I don’t exactly recall all the details of this conversation but I know it ended with me jumping in my car, driving home, feeling, for the first time in months, happy. Like a burden was lifted from my shoulders. I felt, content. And I swore to myself to not ever fall for anyone ever again. The following months he still tried to contact me, but I never answered any of his phone calls, texts, emails, facebook messages, tweets and every other kind of reaching out, social media allows us to do these days.
And then all of this was undone. All the heartbreaks, all the end of the worlds, all the sadness was gone. Like they never even existed. All the bad feelings, all the bad memories, they all vanished, the day I met A. He is my superhero, because from the moment we met, he told me that I was the most important thing in the world. That he would carry me on his hands, for the rest of his life and that he will be with me, through darkness and sickness. He followed through, he never once broke a promise and four years into, he still tells me every day how much I matter and how important I am. And this Valentine’s day I want you to not forget that either.
You deserve the best there is, because you matter. And if there are people, trying to convince you otherwise, don’t listen to them. Don’t even think about it once, because you should always just try to be the best you can be. And to say it in the words of my friend, who was there when I tried picking up the pieces of my life. You is important.
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