My tragic flaw

First off I want to say I don’t believe in soul mates. I do believe that some people are better suited for each other than others and that every relationship requires hard work on both parts. But soul mates? No sir (and ma’am).
This being said I believe that some people can touch your soul with minimal effort. Some people you will forget like nothing ever happened. And some people will remain in your inner core, reminding you of good and bad things. I think we force relationships upon ourselves, believing that this is what we are supposed to do, when in fact time will show. It always does.

This is a life-lesson, that some people will never learn, some people learn too early, some too late. But if you are lucky, you learn it and you learn to appreciate it. Time, that is. I am a very patient person, I had to learn to be patient, because my perception of time differs very much from everyone else’s perception of time. People sometimes call it being stubborn, I call it “goal-oriented”. I have always been like that, stubborn, that is. Giving up is simply not an option, not because I need to succeed in being the best or worst in anything but because even the smallest accomplishments on a day to day basis feel like I just changed the world, when in reality, I didn’t but I am at least trying to work towards one.

When I was 13, I fell in love with a boy that was in a “committed” relationship, or whatever that means at age 13. But the heart wants, what the heart wants, so I silently waited, gazing at him ever so often, waiting for him to notice me, waiting for the world to stop turning, so we could be together. Over time we became very close and I thought, naively as 13-year-olds are, that he would be “my  one”. Only later did I find out, what I mistook for his attention and devotion to me, was his way of hurting his “committed” what’s-her-name. I was heartbroken. Over the years there were a few what’s-his-names. But to be honest, the first heartbreak was so intense, that for a long time, I just felt lost.

People underestimate a broken heart. You can suffer a broken heart from almost any and everything. You can cause it yourself or someone does it for you. In my experience though, the only common denominator is being left alone, feeling helpless. I believe that the only pain you can not recover from by yourself is a broken heart. It doesn’t matter how much you try, it haunts you and it stays with you and it changes you. It always does. It leaves you either a better person or a worse person. Lonely but surrounded of the memories spinning in your head. Some people take this opportunity to rise to their potential, others use a broken heart as a poor excuse for not changing anything. I believe that everyone goes through this, it’s like a must-learn life-cycle.

But my perception of time taught me one thing, to bottle up the sweet memories, put them in a drawer and take them out, when I need them. Not to remain silent, starring at the past, hoping that it would magically change, because it will not, no matter how hard you wish for it, it will not change and it is a good thing. A very good thing indeed. Because without all the bittersweet memories, you will not move forward but rather remain the same, I can guarantee you this. You need to have scars, you need to have memories, you need to have ‘oh-I-wish-I-wouldn’t-have-done-this’ to be the possibly best person you could be. As far as I go. Well, I needed to have a broken heart to understand that there is someone out there, that will not break my heart, someone that wants to be with me for all the wrong and right reasons, someone that cares as much about me as he does about himself. Someone that will be with me, through good times and through bad, someone that will love me for me being stubborn and actually cheer me on for being the way I am.

Because if I wouldn’t have been stubborn, A and I would have not made it through 2 years of long-distance. We also wouldn’t have made it as far as moving in together and we would have not made it this far. So my tragic flaw inadvertently led me down the best possible way, living with A, loving my work, loving my life and just being happy. So embrace your flaws, let them be your trade-mark, but don’t get lost in them, don’t give up, when things don’t go the way they are planned, because I promise you this, better things will come from it.

A and J in the park
A and me at Vigalandspark

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