Bruises

When I was little my parents always used to say, “until you are married, the pain you feel now will be gone”. It was their way to let me know, that first of all, I apparently had to get married for all my little bruises to heal and secondly that no pain will last forever. I grew up imagining my perfect life, with a perfect husband, with perfect children, in a perfect little house, in a perfect little city, in a perfect little world (without any bruises). Eventually I realized, that life is very different from what I imagined. I grew up realizing that every bruise would leave a scar and that scars tell stories.

I was a very nerdy kid, I read in my free-time sometimes several books at a time. I would read until it was way past midnight and would get up around 6 to get some more reading done before school, I would read while walking home from school, I would read during dinner, I would read while doing any and everything – that was me in 4th grade! I always wanted to be the heroin in my perfect-little-world, but without bruises. I wanted to conquer worlds, be out there, surviving the worst. Granted, I never was in a life-treating situation, other than me driving a car, that is a life-treating situation for everyone. But see, my point is, that we all stop ourselves, because we think we cannot overcome certain things in life, because we fear the bruises, before we fear the scars.

I am currently training for my second half-marathon and man, is it hard. I mean seriously, what is wrong with me, that I want to do this? I am constantly in pain, I am sweating like there is no tomorrow and instead of living from day to day, I live from training to training. I have the worst bruises all over my body, if you would see the bruises I have, you would wonder if I had some serious skin-condition that was not treatable, when in fact my running-belt and several other running equipment leaves chafing-marks on my body. But I keep going, because I know, it will all heal, eventually.

But yesterday I got to my own limits. At least so I thought. A, as always, was kind enough to bike next to me, while I was running, but I just couldn’t deal with his kindness while trying not to die. He would say things like, “keep going” or “you can do it”, when my body was sending me all the signals that let me know otherwise. So eventually I snapped, although he was the last person, that deserved it, but I needed some alone time. I needed to run by myself, for myself. And I was reminded of one thing, I was not running to get more bruises, but to heal another bruise. I was running, because I could run, but other people cannot. I was reminded of the moments that made me realize, why I started running in the first place and I was reminded, that my pain is temporary, while my action is not. I am running, not to stay trim, not to fit in my wedding dress, not to compete in marathons, but to do the one thing, that my grandma couldn’t do, the last time I saw her.

About two hours later, I ran, read: crawled on all fours, home and was greeted by a cheerful A. He forgave me for my emotional outburst. I tried to explain to him, that the mental blockage I sometimes feel, when doing something really hard, sometimes gets the better of me, but that my way of dealing with it, is let it get to me, let it out and then disconnect myself from it and move on, that is how I do things. And although I know very well, that people can overcome the greatest things, by themselves, I am very thankful for having A by my side. Not because he is obviously the better-tempered-half of our relationship, but because I have someone there with me, that understands that every bruise takes its’ own time to heal and that he gives me all the time and space I need.

My point, I guess, is that you too can overcome the things, that you didn’t think you can. I know you can, either with the greatest supporter by your side or by yourself, I know this, because the only thing you truly need, is to believe in yourself. You will walk away with the biggest and most disgusting bruises, but they eventually will turn into scars and they then will tell stories… oh the stories, they will tell… I guarantee you this, you will not be disappointed!