Failure

I had a rough couple of days, not going to lie, I almost contemplated not leaving bed today, but I did it and yes, I deserve praise for that. Nothing particular happened in the last few days, you know, other than me coming so close and yet so far from what I wanted for so long… Long story short, a job that I really wanted, just… poof and away. That’s really all I can say at this moment and normally I wouldn’t share this, but this time, I just have to share this with you. This is not the first time this happened and if history taught me anything, I know it’s not going to be the last time… However, that doesn’t diminish me feeling like an absolute failure.

Truth to be told, I could just quit the path that I started and maybe I should. Maybe I should allow someone else to tell me that I am not good enough. Maybe I should let someone tell me what I can and cannot do, maybe I should really start listening. But then I remember, that failure is just one step closer to success, right? I mean there is entire industries built on these failures, so why does this one failure matter so much? It shouldn’t, but yet, I find myself half incapacitated.

I am a fairly rational person, I know that what I am experiencing right now is normal and just a small step back, because everything worth fighting for will without a doubt cause you some kind of pain. Otherwise, why fight for it, right? Either way, right now I am in a lot of mental pain. Self-doubting my very existence, wondering whether I chose the right path, wondering whether or not I will ever be able to achieve what I long for, whether I could handle one more rejection or if I should just stop it now and find something else altogether.

Usually, when I feel like that (because we all feel like that more often than we actually want to admit), there is one ting I do, I turn on music and sit in silence for an hour or two or a day or maybe a week. I don’t like talking when I feel like that, I don’t like to look at myself or other people because I cannot stand eyes on me. I want to wallow in self-pity and feel like I am the least worthy person on this planet and that’s despite me knowing that I am actually a decent human being. That I am worthy of any- and everything that I have accomplished.

I don’t like that version of myself but it is part of me, so I embrace it with everything I have, because I know that these feelings will pass. And if they don’t pass I seek help and lots of it, because life is too short to feel blue all the time. Life is too short to deny yourself happiness, contempt, feeling strong and being beautiful. Being vulnerable is part of this, that’s why every superhero has some kind of kryptonite, because without it, each superhero may seem worthless.

I came this close to giving up, like really giving up. But see, people like me, people who are stupidly patient and stubborn cannot give up, I’m not wired like this. I will see things through to the end, no matter how much pain, how much time it takes, I follow through. Of course, all in good measurement, there is a fine line between being healthy and unhealthy and I am aware of this. I’ve had plenty of times, where I thought I couldn’t go on anymore, where I wanted to abandon ship. Like halfway through a half-marathon trying so hard to get to the finish line when my whole body was aching in places no ones body should ever hurt, but I still finished, possibly last, but I got there. I failed in so many aspects of my life, every single day, and I want you to know, that it is okay to fail. Success is easy, failure is hard and getting up again, that’s what is incredibly difficult but so worth it.

I fail at the most ridiculous things, things that seem so easy to other people, I simply cannot do, physically and mentally and other things, that come so easy to me, other people fail at every single day. That’s what makes us unique, struggling in so many aspects and without struggling, we wouldn’t be able to really admire, really enjoy, really see our accomplishments. So yes, today, getting out of bed was a huge accomplishment for me. Nothing to write home about and probably nothing I should have written about, but see, if I were only to write about the positive things in life, I would only tell half the story and half the story is like only measuring your worth on your successes. So today, measure your life on your failures, the bad ones and the ones that are even worse than that. And then, if you feel like it, and only then, get out of bed, or don’t. Listen to your favorite music, or don’t, eat a whole bar of chocolate or don’t, leave the house or don’t.

Remember that you are deserving and strong and that you will be okay. Your failures are your successes and they make you beautiful inside and out. And if you don’t take it from me, take it from someone who knows…

Yoda – Last Jedi reference

 

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