A distraught heart

As I lay awake at night, breathing heavy, I catch a glimpse of the night sky and my mind starts to wander. They say to keep sorrow for the daylight – what a thing to say but it’s true, the world feels less heavy when there’s a buzz of daily routines around. I tend to forget what’s obvious for most. But sometimes, it creeps into the night – the panic setting in, pressing out all the air of the lungs. Breathe easy. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. – I remind myself. Turns out, easier said than done.

I guess, I should start at the beginning, that’s where all good stories start. At the beginning there was nothing – I was fine. I was content, I had everything I needed and wanted. Then came the clouds that darkened everything, and I shone through them – tried to anyways. I barely noticed but somehow the clouds consumed me, a thick layer of haze settling on me, blanketing everything and I was put into a false sense of security. I accepted the haze as my new normal, thought this was what everyone did, how everyone felt but piece by piece I disappeared, and the clouds took over. Impacting every move, every decision, everything, and I said that’s okay. I let it be because it didn’t bother me.

But then – one day, another hurricane hit, so vicious, there was no signs of survival. The only thing that lived was me. Barely, but I was still here. And although everything disappeared before my eyes, and I thought all would return to normal shortly – in a blink of an eye all was gone. Me included. I was gone. The problem was, I didn’t know it then, and if you don’t know it, is it really happening? The answer is yes – yes, it is!

So, I tried to rebuild, as a living thing does but all the broken pieces laid heavy on top and no matter how hard I tried, it wouldn’t budge – nothing moved. Nothing lived and after what seemed like an eternity, I nearly lost hope. That’s where we are now – breathing heavy, in the middle of the night. See, I am like an ecosystem, I’m living and breathing, you can try to destroy all of me, but I will fight to the end because that is the only thing I know how to. It’s engrained in me. The urge to find solutions, the urge to adapt but when toxins take over, I’ll find a way to expel it all, try to restore, try to maintain, get back to my beauty.

Through all of this though, I realise that I am nursing a distraught heart. I am hurting. And I am not sure if there ever will be a day when I won’t hurt. A distraught heart means I’m not able to make rational decisions. I can’t see wrong from right which means that not all my actions will make sense. But I’ll keep going until I’m back to who I’m meant to be. More resilient, healthier, happier – away from the dark clouds that I thought I needed to survive. I don’t. this air is what makes me breathe heavy, so it’s time to cleanse this world of mine of all that toxicity to give my heart another chance. To heal.