Longing for the lost

When Gollum looses the ring (yes, THE ring from lord of the rings), he gets really mad, angry even, almost uncontrollably. He does that, because he can’t help himself, he was so drawn to the power of the ring, that being without it, is just madness to him. I tell you this, not only because I just recently watched the hobbit (in 3D – highly recommendable) but also because it was the most human interaction I could imagine. When loosing something, and knowing that it’s gone – getting angry. Uncontrollably. In all of us there is a little creature longing for something they never had. It is a strong feeling and no matter how hard you try, you will never be able to get rid of that feeling. The longing for the lost.

It’s been a long time since I last saw my grandmother’s face. Not the woman, that battled cancer, but the woman that was before everything else, a mother. When thinking about family, I imagine her face, smiling. She is family to me, because all the battles she fought, were for her family. The battles were, so to say, to make a better life for her children. To allow them to grow in a world without violence. And if she ever had a flaw, it was loving too much.

A and I are about to start our lives together. In a year’s time we will be married and starting the most fun and exciting journey together. I am not scared of that, because I know I will be with my best friend, what more could I ask for? A few weeks ago we sent out the invitations to our wedding and as I addressed the last invitation, my heart broke a little, longing for all the things, I never had.

When I learned of my grandmother’s sickness, I made her promise all the things that I knew she couldn’t keep. But I wanted for her so badly. I remember her face when I asked her to stay strong, until I walk down the aisle, stay strong until my first born will see the light of this earth, stay strong – for me. I made her promise to be there, just so when I was ready to let her go, she would be able to go. I never was ready for her to go. There are still so many questions I wanted to ask, longing for her answers. So many stories I wanted to tell her, longing for her laugh, her smile, her love.

I know that with time, it will get easier. I know that the next year will fly by and then the big day will be here in no time and I will be walking down the aisle, into the arms of my love. I know that it will be one of the happiest days of my life. Needless to say that part of me wants to hold on to the little creature. Part of me wants to stare at the ring, longing for my precious but the bigger part of me knows that all will be alright and that I can say goodbye to the little hobbit on the boat traveling to the other side, with no hard feelings, no regret, even with a sense of happiness.

 

lord of the rings

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